I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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