its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
