Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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