I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
