Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
