fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
