who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
