im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
