while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
