well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
