she woke up with a sticky ear
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
