Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
