Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
