I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
