the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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