i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
