She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
