i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
