my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
We got so high we made milksteak
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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