Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Randomize
