FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
