okay pat passed out under dana's car
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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