I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Come see our sink grown plant.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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