I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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