I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
