I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You work out of a Hotel?
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
