I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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