it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
