Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
