just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
