I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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