I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
