I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
