I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
