my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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