dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Randomize
