I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
