there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
