Sry I called you an 8
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
