Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
