I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
