I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
