and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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