well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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