Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
