Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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