My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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