Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
