your parents love me but you hate me
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
