im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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