so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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