SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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