He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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